Fantasy TV

how do you put behind your past
left undone, how would you last
make peace with your remnant?
how to? an obscure talent

I think of you every single day
specifically what? not easy to say
a smile somedays, wisdom on other
gleaming eyes, pain undercover

struck by magical effervesence
lonely lunatic lost worldly sense
bout of disgraceful potvaliancy
agape love was assumed pruriency

we wish to start on right foot
and end on the right one too
if only I've had that closure
if only I could get over you...

I live in a fantasy world
a subset to the tv series
in every romance or fall-out
I try to find you and me

complication of Ted and Robin
restrain of Castle and Kate
latent attraction of Elena and Damon
me in grey of love and hate

trying to find us among all these
and a happy ending to our story
like it happens in TV series
but what is a happy ending truly?

to embrace the love like Beckett
or how Stefan chose to separate
how Ted and Robin find middle thoroughfare
anxious to glean but no longer you're here

that's how we stay on hiatus
my story finds no season finale
I love you the same as time flows
lone viewer on fanciful tv alley

Little Brother

wisdom of old,
often foretold,
and also forgotten,
by young begotten,
by lesser times,
where history thine,
became story line,
they fail to divine,
meaning underlying,
old trodden paths,
where fate hath,
dealt its blows,
and time flows,
we pass it down,
to next aeon,
not critical,
be analytical,
of what I say,
of older way.

My friend

Face of life is poker-face,
I fail to read is clearly,
Keeping up with its skip and pace,
I give up wearily.

That moment I chose my vocation,
This moment its just means to an end,
The one which is my aspiration,
Is subject to my capricious bend.

Is it corporeal what I really want,
Or some obscure spiritual craving,
I spend my days nonchalant,
Love leave my heart bereaving.

No worldly bonds tie me down,
Except my sense of responsibility,
Lonesome existence in alien town,
To mask my hearts fragility.

Its potency to love is beyond intellect,
Its penchant for camaraderie is gullible,
My canny words you've come to detest,
To misconstrue they are susceptible.

Saintly human, free from all vices,
Delve deep in your conscience,
Bear with my immoral utterances,
Judge me by my actions reminiscence.

If find time do introspect,
Were you always so saintly,
If you find an instance of misconduct,
Try to forgive mine faintly.

Your contrasting principles make me sad,
I have been their for you,
Rejected soul heartache clad,
I forsake the worldly and you.

Old Rhyme

Old rhyme of old time,
came back to my mind,
all is well, I am fine,
but my heart is still thine.

This period of continuation,
must have a gestation,
post which lies divination,
of my reincarnation.

I changed world, I changed life,
I resolved, I will take a wife,
I believed I can end the strife,
of my love, which is thy fief.

I see so many,
I try to see you,
I satiate the monster,
But none it would woo.

How are you so amazing,
or was? your memory is ageing,
and it is like love of old couple,
no fiery youth, still love double.

As I change parallel,
I walk new plane,
All alteration ineffectual,
You in me is same.

I dream about you every day,
Believe me though when I say,
I try to push it every way,
Even in all loss, baggage will stay.

It feels sub-consciously,
Heart created a pseudo-reality,
In togetherness we walk endlessly,
I keep worshipping you perpetually.

Your memory must be faded,
And our moments outdated,
You wouldn't even miss it much,
Do you know I still bear that clutch?

You gave it to me in act of fun,
Now it waits and weighs a ton,
Still I cant let it be away from me,
It mattered once, held hair of thee.

I might sound corny or maybe sick,
Though I believe I can make it stick,
that I did love your hair much,
I feel them still as I grip this clutch.

Now when I can laugh at myself,
I thank you for all your help,
Still can't see through a mystery rare,
Either too much or not at all you care.

Happy Birthday

Of late I am engulfed in this strange frustration,
I believe it to be a corpus of imagination,
Of perfect life which I presumed,
and how it turned out in the end.

I will be superlative though to call it end,
I am attributing too much to the current trend,
But the way I closed first day of my year,
I can predict the future correct I fear.

As days passed by I saw it clear,
Days became months, later an year,
It changed me much on multiple level,
subdued my sense of risk and revel.

At first it was a cerebral quarantine,
But I overlooked my resilience I imagine,
At some point isolation helped me mend,
But human has unquenchable thirst to blend.

An idea keeps knocking on my head,
This lost time is lost till I am dead,
This thought creeps around my mind,
Sucks it dry like a parasitic vine.

Long days, lonely nights drive me nuts,
As I drown in ocean of If's and But's,
I crave intensely to get out of this place,
Talking to myself, proposing my case.

The way I repeat the same routine,
Just inhuman like a machine,
It leaves my heart with emptiness,
And this void gets filled with ancient sadness.

We all pay a price to grow,
Like heart is needed for blood to flow,
But I have gained this wisdom of eld,
We fill hearts with love even before blood.

Hence hope cant see me through this resentment,
To my daily drudge, my distasteful present,
Some might love to be at my place,
But its not my cup of tea, I must displace.

Some nice people around me I mean no disrespect,
For you I hold on, find my spirits at rest,
But our goals are different, yours and mine
I will have to exit, wish you stay and shine.

I have to find that place I belong,
Where my heart stirs up a joyous song,
Where my human can live life at its fullest,
Where my monster can indulge at its wickedest.

You know you are the only relief,
True joy I find even if in weeks,
Since You can be found wherever I go,
New strength I find to go with flow.

Questions

not always I fantasize of her,
oh it takes too much to touch her,
getting drunk till I cant feel my feet,
willingly surrender to this defeat,
I have been accused of this before,
as she said I was trying to feel her,
now it makes sense how it all happened,
rejected me would go to this end,
can you really say whats in my head,
is it me and you on a bed?
or maybe a broken shell of man,
holding on to his champion,
for a relief which world wont offer,
so much sealed in this coffer,
I still get drunk and think of you,
in these hallucinations I am holding you,
but how dare you doubt my intent,
didnt I prove myself better than this revilement?
what did you think when I sat all night long,
trying to protect your slumber from clang,
and commotion of bitter rail roads,
and this sleepless night goads,
was all that I was, earned shit?
yea there was a time I did opposite,
of what you expected but you did too,
you left my side in that group of spoof,
who pretended to be allies but nonetheless,
bit your back at best of their prowess,
was it not me who stayed by your side,
protected your honour to that chide,
and this is the tribute you give to me,
I have to feel guilty of this memory,
when I held you in drunken rage,
vying for judging on this cerebral stage,
I proceed with my life bearing this abomination,
you hold me shamed of this violation.

You know best

too much on my heart right now,
you say move on but dont tell how,
when I say this dont take me wrongly,
how to let go which I held so strongly,
since such a long time so well spent,
although our good memories have few dent,
nonetheless best time of my life,
never wished to end in pointless strife,
of you I just kept one view,
in world exists one like me too,
and in time of need you always come through,
like you were designed to see me through,
and I percieved you as best in women,
but had one of my own so maintained a distance,
but dysfunctional love put such huge pressure,
I got addicted to your comforting nature,
those were times when you were only escape,
rest all in life seemed in such bad shape,
my assailable heart fell for it gradually,
let go of rational and thrive on fantasy,
but we have to wake up from every dream,
unplugged from matrix not ready for ream,
a pampered child who lost his blanket,
that phase of life was such a racket,
months of gloom I missed you dearly,
but new sun dawned and I could see more clearly,
and you were still there holding on to hope,
maybe we can salvage some of this burnt crop,
you still saw the best in me,
infused me with your magical glee,
you showed me how we were so special,
and anything more would've burst this bubble,
and I cried in shame for I could not see,
you've been someone I could never be,
now I cant differ between the sun and you,
fill me with light through and through,
but nights like these I still miss you bad,
scared of relapse whenever I am sad,
guess that is me just being paranoid,
so far away yet by my side,
I feel you and on your shoulder I will rest,
beaten to dirt I'll stand at your behest.
In you I believe for you know best.

Paradox

Maybe my wit has lost its spark,
Sometimes you too seem dull and dark,
It hurts still but not like it used to,
Rubbed in words, feelings and pain too.

Moment this thought comes to me,
A panic strikes and I want to be,
in same old dungeons of gloom and grief,
In trauma of lost love, I find peace.

As if that defines my existence,
Without it I hold no relevance,
In my design, my own universe,
Through this sadness,you & I persevere.

When slowly it drifts away,
My heart lightens, resolution sway,
I shuffle our old picture archives,
Found one where our shadows lie.

And it made some deeper sense,
For those shadows were dark and dense,
But exuded such palpable bliss,
No face or place, just darkness ravish.

Thats when ways of time seemed fair,
We stay together but like shadows in layers,
of past only and pile up new ones,
To preserve the sanctity of my retentions...

Of you, Its most precious to me,
I cant allow sadness to consume me,
Atleast never in your context,
Because you always give, that I respect.

Still I hold on to this desire,
to board a rocketship and fire,
out of this earth with light speed,
Circle the earth, if I succeed.

To go back in time, relive those moments,
Your first sight, song, laugh and tears,
My awe, elation, happiness and fears,
I truly believe, I am clairvoyant.

See how you give me this will to fight,
Your aura so positive, mesmerizing light,
I will prevail and we will outlast,
Sinners have future like saints have past.

Moonlight

In times like such when he gazes at moon,
And reflect between night and noon,
He feels inside a rancor,
Another day calls for encore.


Darkest desires fill him deep,
His only need, what monster seeks,
In phantasmagoria, his concience knocks,
Guilty him, in shadow he walks.


For only in balmy light of moon,
He can see his natural boon,
And how is designed different,
To achieve goals, myriad and aberrant.


But this divide keeps getting stronger,
He fights to restrain it longer,
No respite when monster takes over,
You are to blame for this cross over.


He will kill for sure,
He will kill you too,
All throats that will be slit,
the blood is on you.


For once a simple soul,
Got mutated with pain,
His heart rancid and foul,
A diabolical, a bane.


He wonders how you bear this,
You played him out of his saneness,
For such trivial gains, he cries,
Monster is born the moment he dies.


Your ostentatious eudemonia drives him crazy,
His loneliness, so dark and hazy,
He hates you, he is alcohol abused,
Pushed him aside, as easy as you used.


Remember these sins are not forgotten,
They will suck your life, render it rotten,
Every time the monster kills,
In your name, ill will bills.


This wickedness will consume your joys,
Lesson learnt, human aint toys,
Alone and aged, your only atonement,
Be one with him, an eternal punishment.


I wish he gets dragged out of pit,
I pray for your sake as I sit,
and gaze at moon trying to ignore his suffering,
but be very afraid, he is untrusting.

Special Friend

It is only after I am intoxicated,
My mind gives me hopes fabricated,
I am back to the world we left behind,
A lost love, a memory thine.

Believe me, the iniquitous me,
walks the earth, focussed and free,
of emotions pertaining to humankind,
but my human exists, to you its bind.

I thought the monster will take over,
and this fragile self will dissipate,
and though my best did handover,
myself to darkness, you did not abate.

me 22 kept listening to 23,
23 came and passed, nothing changed in me,
still living in regrets, still wanting you.
no love found since then, guess it left with you.

So I am in and out of love, altogether,
can only love you but you are lost forever,
hence I can give none what I dont have,
and need none, save what lust craves.

you liked my monster you perfected it too,
took my human along, filled wicked you,
but that you in me keeps me up at nights,
make me say, different ways, I miss you.

Few of you is one of my darkest,
but most of of you is most of my warmest,
so how do you expect I can move on,
when I am too sure I can find better none.

Can you still feel it like old times,
You and I think of each other same time,
but you would restrain and I would call,
and you loose it too, talk it out all.

See this I am drifting again,
back to the old memory lane,
my monster tells me it was lie and fake,
my human weeps, you in me at stake.

This eternal debate will never end,
till I find you again and comprehend,
the design of fate, you godsend
although lost, my forever friend.

Old time's sake

It's been a decade and a hundred times,
when I see this movie, revel in rhymes,
a childish whim, or a sadness personal,
the movie is high school musical.

It can be so that I like the song,
but If I am so simple, you got me wrong,
I read between lines, see my self in role,
baggage of old times takes its toll.

For highschool as I imagine, it never was,
A wannabe cool kid, always  at loss
to figure out how to stand out,
and doubt always squeezed hope out.

He gave up easily, lacked all passion,
one counted amongst top, at bottom of his division,
his play lacked all style or fizz,
why this metamorphosis, one big quiz.

It lingers till today as heap of regret,
why cupid struck at such wrong moment,
for loss in love is like no other,
It was just you, others did'nt matter.

Neither social milieu nor ramification,
could deter him from having this odd imagination,
So when he gave up on her, he learnt it best,
It was then, when he gave up on rest.

It was the start of chain reaction,
that led to this sad situation,
this weight of cowardice kept him depressed,
always ruing, he should have expressed.

Till date this darkness creeps within
hence I take a movie and let me in,
with a melancholy desire to go back to past,
and it elates me enough to make me last.

And I battle my monster, a perpetual joust,
that time is gone but not all time is lost,
I can chase my dreams, make amends,
for things i gave up on, a happy end.

It just might be any other movie I like,
or a clutch of old memories on me tight,
or maybe a muse to design my future life,
concept so simple yet a cerebral strife.

Forever

I can't recall when I turned monster,
Maybe it was when I lost her,
or maybe it is something I foster,
to project myself as darker another.

Reason are myriad, one stands out,
This scheme was to push pain out,
My cerebrum designed, no doubt!
that it consumed me, I know nothing about.

Still humanity lingers like fear of god,
It strongly manifests in manners odd,
Juvenile memories, lost love, paint a picture flawed,
and I gaze in this oblivion as my tears dropped.

Yet again I feel human again,
At this wondrous site, my darkness wanes,
This cot, table, window panes,
Old memories flush me, happiness remains.

Outside this bliss, lies a cut-throat world,
Where I am fake, a politician, opportunist and nerd,
From this calm abode, it seems a debauchery,
but I will leave in time to be one of the party.

So I take this time to lay back and cherish,
In my loved ones company, I relish
my bed, my blanket, my mothers feast,
as pleasant like winter afternoon's heat.

As I let go all motives and all fear,
This serene peace lingers near
my heart and my brains are clear,
I see true goal, I will persevere.

I believe this journey we make on earth,
Purpose is not power, fame, wealth,
or any other agenda stealth,
Only satisfaction in heart, true love, good health.

I feel it flow through my shell,
makes me whole, where my childhood dwell,
My human sparks, begins to foam,
Only at this place, I call home.

And though it grieves me, I will leave tomorrow,
I thrive in darkness, another sorrow,
But I know my monster cannot be me ever,
For again I will come back, my home forever.

Crazy in love

I loved, it was a phase,
in time we parted ways,
and I was in state of daze,
being in such an awkward place.


I drank, one wrong move,
because you were so aloof,
and my paranoia drove,
it was then, our hearts broke.


I grieved, you were hurt,
I was sad, you were curt,
and I felt truly, it was justified,
what's past could not be rectified.


I moved, atleast tried,
for I knew I was tied,
to figments of that memory lane,
those winters could never come again.


I dreamt, a few nights,
beyond our wrongs and rights,
two of us, watching sunrise on a hill,
a subtle thought touched, like early morning chill.


I ignored, life was busy,
in different worlds, living in a tizzy,
but in dark of night, on that lonely platform,
dwelled a loner, living in his dream, to reform.


I reflected, of my happiest,
it was not what you would expect,
It was our jabber, sitting behind all people,
those silly moments when our joy was palpable.


Hence I know, what I really missed,
not you but of you, it wont cease to exist,
a milieu, when our imperfections contracted,
an addicting high, when our chemicals reacted.


Do it wrong and we are salt and water,
and It feels alright the way I have her,
like nature designed us, in noble ways,
you are still with me, not more, not less.

Evil deeds

I am back so late, so tired
from work yet my brains hardwired;
a rubics cube, I wait to get sorted
thought of you, an image distorted


and faded with time,
I hold on to our memory
but you were never mine
hence my heart gives up slowly


on you, for its the way of nature
and I think of calling her
but a second thought hits
does she really deserves this


or me, for what I offer,
a selfish miserable loner
who rubs of his infectious pain
on four walls of her heart, her brain


in friction, I scrape her life
make it mine, fill crevices with my sorrow,
lessen my pain, so I can get up tommorrow
feels like a parasite, my selfishness rife


like she pays for my solitude
still puts up with thankless attitude
and indulges my darker side
and I wonder where, far and wide


I will find someone like her,
though we are polar opposite characters,
we connect like a yin-yang circle,
so into other's brain, our conversation seems, a rehearsal.


today I feels guilty and sad,
my aura so bad, psyche malignance clad,
pervasive negativity I always had,
is reflecting from the facade


of her presence, her mates say,
I am to blame in way,
thanklessly I wonder yet again,
this price, why will she choose to pay?


for I am oblivious to the concept of alturism,
I am a man of logic and question,
In love too, I did not learn to give,
you left, I lost, and hence this motive,


you, the ultimate objective, but its not of her,
you are mine for taking, yet she suffers;
do you see what fellowship of mine delivers?
and yet again I am selfish, blaming you for her!


at this point, its an operose attempt,
to clear my concience, to achieve content,
state of mind and a pseudo atonement,
honest admission on  written document;


I am the cause of all of these troubles,
I know it well hence my pain doubles,
and I will live with it because I am unable to be,
a person you would want to see


as a part of your future lives,
I will fade in shadows as time severes our ties,
but both of you, I will always remember,
for one I thank god, for other I wish I can wait forever.