The Screen

So many screens,

Glowing bright,

Like stars at night,

They own me.

Pictures of old flame ,

Mobile phone game,

I have no books or dictionaries,

Only screens.

Waking working,

Evening morning,

No interest in the alive,

Screens blind my eyes.

Speak less type more,

My world a diverse porn,

Consumed as I gaze on,

Till the day I become a screen.

Screw you man

Spiderman Batman Ironman,

A recipe to be a superhero,

You gotta know what you're good at,

And add a suffix 'man'.

This got me thinking then,

What's that one thing,

I do best than the rest,

That sets me apart as a man.

Interviewing family and friends,

Introspection and meditation,

In hope to be a superhero,

I churned multiple opinions.

A source of great affliction,

Was this exercise,

To screw people's happiness,

Is my superpower it seems.

It can be a gentle humiliation,

Or asking how it feels to be blind,

It can also be an insensitive joke,

On friend's friend's last promotion.

Inquiry about periods was unintentional,

But women can't drive comment wasn't,

Size of shoes indicates size of penis,

Playing dwarf porn to the short guy was fun.

Trust me I wish to hurt no one,

But you can look at all these superheroes,

Their power isn't their design,

It's power choosing one of them.

So after much deliberation,

I settled for a fitting appellation,

Truer than either spider, bat or iron,

I will be known as Screw-You Man.

Only one

Just a man and a simple one,
Pulling on emotions but a single one,
If let this go, I'll simply go,
I will be my person but an empty one.

Some do assume it dialogue,
Please know that it isn't one,
I talk to self and sell to self,
I am mad, not the only one.

I know time is moving on,
I am ageing ergo I am moving on,
You expect me to be someone else,
It is only this I can become.

Old friends and new, are all tired,
Listening to my stories, more then once,
In my stories, I am the villain,
I fail to conjure any false ones.

Feel for me with such acuity,
I start feeding on your pity,
I know I am an emotional parasite,
Regrettably a pathetic one.

Steadfast on past,blind to future,
I refrain to make life decisions,
Heart heavy, eyes shut, dead on my feet,
I face changes like a coward one.

Verbal spirals, verbose expressions,
Though I mean to say it like simpleton,
It is such a struggle to find love,
When I know I've known my only one.

Dead End

It was irrelevant,
What I felt for you,
How or when I told you,
It was insignificant.

You were indifferent,
If I cared or not,
Or if I listened,
It wasn't a requirement.

I was insistent,
Reading between lines,
Stalking your shadow,
I was unbalanced.

A time well spent,
I was learning love,
You were killing time,
It was entertainment.

Maybe this was destined,
You are where you're supposed to be,
And I am, where I am,
On a dead end!

Living

You say my writings,
Have turned frustrating,
And that I can say nothing more,
I should just let go.

Do you wonder about an anomaly?
Time heals all, eventually,
Still I hold on to love,
My lost treasure trove.

You must understand this,
My words are therapeutic,
Medicine to a chronic hurt,
Lets me sleep at night.

You must believe me,
I can't open myself anymore,
My heart survives on past,
I repeat what I've said before.

I wish there were two suns,
I wish there were two moons,
I wish there was a world,
Where there are two of her.

She is my life and my soul,
Yet far away is her dwelling,
So I create another her with my words,
And keep both of us living.

The Return

I return home again,

I can feel the memories,

In four walls,

Childhood reveries.

Flora and fauna,

Kith and kin,

Give me a sense,

Of eternal belonging.

Emotions are palpable,

Here I learnt to love,

And the heart ache,

Of loss and hate.

A warmth fills me,

My passions flare,

Yet lost in a daily drudge,

Boil to the surface.

Still a void exists,

It is alien to this place,

It is discord in harmony,

Of my present state.

Again I look back,

I am looking at you,

I am not surprised,

You are here too.

Like you are a part,

Of life yet lived,

Like you were the purpose,

Of life yet lived.

God! You look so beautiful,

Wearing that purposeful grin,

Beckoning me to keep moving,

Till I find you again.

Beckoning me to keep moving,

Till the concluding return.

Silence

She will never know,
Words I never said,
Wish I could let her know,
Words I never said.

Sometimes, I speak much,
But mean nothing,
When she spoke to me though,
All I could do was listen,
I silently hoped for it,
I carried her bags for it,
I took the check for it,
But I never had words for it,
To hold her hand and tell her,
I absolutely love it,
When you twirl that fringe of hair,
I can't help but drown,
In this liquid pool of brown,
That is your eyes,
And that heavenly smile,
Kept me foolishly smiling all night.

She is gone now! I didn't stop her,
She couldn't have been here forever,
She is gone now without knowing,
How I felt  about her,
She is gone now! I wish everyday,
I should've told her,
She is gone now! our moment has passed,
But uncertainty pricks at me now and then,
I'd rather suffer consequences of my words, then silence.

Fever dream

Another day in hell,
Another day's survival,
Fear is my driver,
Hope is a poison,
Ambition is a fever dream,
Yet more afraid to count them,
So much to fear.

Late to bed,
Early to rise,
Alcohol in between,
Hate everything besides,
Rejecting this illusion,
Of freedom of choice,
Do I have any choice?
In milieu of malignancy,
When fear starts to take over,
If my phone starts ringing early,
In morning.

How much money,
Is enough money?
I have been dreaming,
Of indulgent living,
In those dreams too,
I am counting money,
And then dreams turns to nightmare,
I don't have enough money,
To buy out life and death.

Staring through spectacle of despair,
Into the mirror of life,
If don't like what I see,
Am I at fault or mirror?

That time

Once I couldn't fathom how deeply,
I can love someone,
Once I couldn't believe how easily,
I could let go of someone,
There was a time when I was ignorant,
of how love and lust are distinct,
There was a time when I was confident,
Unconditional love didn't exist.

Then she came as a force of nature,
like an avalanche, tsunami or storm,
Albeit of a different form,
Like a desire path, to all that made life worth living,
Like a conviction, if death comes, I should die in her arms,
But storm passed, waves receded, she left as she came,
In her wake, left wreckage of emotions,
A hungry soul, shattered notions.

Learned to love but lost to love,
Searching every face to see one face,
Keeping the hope to keep the hope,
Wasting time to wait for a time,
When I see her again, fall in love,
Behold her beauty, feel her warmth,
Hear her laughter, catch her tears,
Hold her close and die in her arms.

Maximum city

Maximum city,
maxed out at heart,
To say how it showed me love,
I don't know where to start,
Places made it beautiful,
People made it home,
I'd shout out to em and tell em,
City got its pace, I had a good run,
You carry on while I move on,
To explore different tracks,
On my behest, let's not cease the fun,
Work hard play hard and play to win,
Destiny will take us places,
We will reach four corners of the world,
We keep moving without regret,
Because we have this city, to return.

Rain Again

My life and time,
In my mind,
Mimics the flow of river,
Down to the plain,
From highest glacier,
I must have been like ice once,
Time's flow must have been slower,
As I have no memory of that time,
Only that I wished often,
That it would pass soon,
Impatient to break the bonds,
Fragile yet they held me down,
Enough for me to drag years on,
As I grew strong enough to break free,
Into a pace of endless possibility,
A deceiving bliss of a stronger flow,
Flowing down from mountain floor,
No value felt in what I left behind,
Somethings are only learned in due time.

I am a river at its prime,
Life's flow is fine,
Landscape is changing,
I gain some, I lose some,
And I know something,
I will lose my force, color and shape,
To meet the eventual outcome,
Loosing myself to the ocean,
Loosing myself to a new beginning,
Rain down on mountain.

This thought gives me faith,
Makes me believe in existence of god,
And his good intentions,
An explanation for that death,
No benevolent god would've allowed,
For old memories are forgotten as we make new ones,
It was your soul that touched me,
I take comfort in believing I will see you again,
A familiar camaraderie,
Albeit different face, different name.

Despair

The gift of sleep,

Lures me to a place,

Among the shadows,

Domain of nightmares,

I am petrified,

Of path ahead,

Where my vision is defied,

A path beyond bodily death,

Can anyone divine the journey of soul?

Eternal afterlife or cycle of rebirth,

If no, will I cease to be?

If so, what legacy worth the fight?

Or flight? If only this petty end exists.

I lose to despair,

By the moment I grow less,

I seek detachment,

As I invert the hour glass.

Happy Verse

I lived another day,
Traversed another way,
Searching for happiness,
To create a happy verse,
Grand scheme of universe,
If I give my heart to it,
A powerfully imbued quest,
Will render desired result.

Alas another failure,
And fault is yours,
For expecting more,
When there was none,
Except the ones,
Vile or melancholy creations,
Conceived to spew venom,
Brood of my pessimism.

Man dead, Animal dead,
Poor animal, all ululated,
Who was man? nobody cared,
Every corner I set my eyes,
You are wrong, I am right,
Greater good? but who decides?
While one like me dies,
Other survives, justifies, eventually dies.

We all share same fate,
Why then pandemic hate?
No rationale as such,
We anyway don't live much,
Meeting needs of existence,
Holding unseen gods in reverence,
While world around is meaningless,
How do I create a happy verse?

Never enough

Is anything ever enough?
Vocation doesn't pay enough,
Future doesn't look good enough,
Scalp has even lesser hair,
Body needs ever more care,
I was born sharp,
But not sharp enough,
Always almost there,
Almost is never enough,
I never dreamt magnificence,
Mundane seemed quite enough,
Hoped for love, life, no regrets,
Earned some but never enough,
A life spent in chase,
Ever discontent,
Grievance in phases,
It just won't relent,
And when death came,
All senses snuffed,
Still lingered to behold my pyre,
Finality wasn't enough,
I blazed, reduced to ashes,
At least that heap of wood was enough.

Woman in Green

Day’s end, as I retire to my room,

I am struck by her herbal perfume,

Woman in green waits for me,

Burning desire to burn for me,

I am struck by her selfless love,

I caress her like a dove,

She crumbles in my embrace,

In her fragrance I revel,

Rolling up in a sheet of paper,

She smoulders to the next level,

Her kiss made me lose all sense,

Burnt in bliss, the past, future and present,

Her warmth is a new hope,

Our love aflame,

Her embrace is like smoke,

While she draws in my pain,

I drift to a different world,

I am awake as I sleep,

Holding on to my girl,

Indefinite time passes,

No better lover,

Woman in green,

She won’t stay forever,

I take care of ashen reality,

She leaves with a promise however,

Every night, she will wait for me.

EVOL

I am sick of hiding,

Often I cry inside,

I've given up the fight,

Some of me have already died,

I wonder about my purpose,

Thought of future brings dread,

What have I become?

After all this time,

Is survival my only feat?

I can’t take the way out,

Too proud to admit defeat,

I dreamt of love,

Dreams are the enemy,

I am scared to sleep.

Under the pretence of honesty,

All the lies weep,

Person in the mirror laughs at me,

What kind of existence is this?

Each one of you will love me,

But I've to let go of being myself?

For love I concede... I lie, I hide,

Some of me have already died.

Hate Speech

I've been drinking,

Getting this feeling,

Only emotion that’s left,

Is anger and hate,

And I lie to myself,

Know it fair well,

I pretend I still love you,

When I really want to kill you,

And kill all that you represent,

I am filled with resentment,

For being a weakling,

For always pretending,

That I thrive on love and faith,

When I am only filled with infinite hate.

They all went away

In the end, they all went away.

One wanted the world,

Felt she settled for less,

All of him too was never enough,

Both lived with regret.

In the end, they all went away.

One wanted the playmate,

She lived for the day,

His emotions seemed unseemly,

Mistaking love for play,

In the end, they all went away.

One wanted that who cares,

She was broken inside,

Mending his own heart,

He couldn't fill the divide,

In the end, they all went away.

One wanted reassurance,

She was the true friend,

Expectations plague this bond,

She was never convinced,

In the end, they all went away.

One wanted to look beautiful,

Truth is beauty,

Her truth was never his,

So he failed to see,

In the end, they all went away.

He was wanted in parts,

His person was never wanted,

Lost himself part by part,

None left when she departed,

In the end, they all went away.

Dementia

Why don’t you let go?

Do I really need too?

Are you in love?

Not with you!

Then why do I have to stay?

You want to go away?

Surely this is what I need,

I will agree indeed!

So you do care?

It is only fair,

Spare a straight answer?

Answers won’t matter,

You keep me intrigued,

You choose to stay belied,

Care enough to disillusion me?

I was never in love with you, never will be,

I don't like this conversation,

Suggest an appropriate deviation,

Do you wish to answer a question?

I am in tow,

Why don’t you let go?

Lunch Break

A man sitting at roadside eatery,

Sad or tired I can’t say clearly,

An indifferent weather-beaten face,

Feeding out of a thin paper plate,

Its content apparently irrelevant,

Random thoughts crossed my mind,

I don’t know anything of his battles,

For each there are different shackles,

Is he living a life of hardships?

Will mine be a luxury compared to his?

A few minutes passed over pondering,

My lunch break I was squandering,

So I decided to assuage my appetite,

Joining this man at shady joint,

But much time was spent and duty called,

I had to leave without any meal at all.