Way I am

just saw that movie, Rockstar;
made me think where you are
and what you are up to,
yet again I am thinking of you!

Never thought you would be ever lasting,
making me an insomniac who is fasting,
my emotions are the food, I abstain myself from,
for they can draw the pain, bring me down

Pain lingers all the time,
inside my heart undying,
it takes the shape of wicked dreams,
in those dreams, I see you scream

You try to push me but I clutch your neck,
snap it and in second you are dead,
but still you smile, fire burns in your eyes,
while I try to consume you, drink you dry.

A horrid scene, an act of evil,
in my universe, expression of lust primeval,
or maybe love, I know no difference,
If it unites us such, an impossible severence.

In that fit of blood lust, the fervent cannibalism,
Its hard to mark, where you end or I begin,
we lose our bodies to this divine entity,
in which we flow, an absolute unity.

I kill us, only to rise as one,
it seems the only way here from
what has happened and how our life is,
Never in my universe, our utopia cease to exist.

Because I know you love, dont care what you say,
You chose that course because you coudnt see a way,
where we can eff together happy and rich,
Always took you as a mean, manipulative bitch

But I aint saint, like you aint sinner,
we together, a grotesque caricature,
only you could see the real monster,
only you could relish this cerebral torture.

Damn! I dont want to be this person,
holding on to whats lost,
or past, I live in hope helplessly,
loser banking on a pathetic system.

Beautiful

In hope we live,
on love we thrive,
but if I've lost the best,
how can I survive.

What is my motivation,
to carry on with this journey,
when I have impression,
I don't seek worldly.

Even as a child,
my doubts were firm,
It just cant be this simple,
I have to live and learn.

So I took an oath divine,
I will seek absolute,
which is eternal and whole,
neither sacred nor malign.

I had the notion,
I can rise above,
the smaller things in life,
and see the great design.

In this quest however,
I couldn't restrain,
A certain arrogance seeped in,
that I was a better man.

Maybe It was a manifestation,
of tormented past,
I assumed it unworthy,
that I had lost.

But something I did,
must be providential,
She came to absolve me,
Most beautiful angel.

She pushed me out,
from that dark place,
where I strive for logic,
my only solace.

She saw my plight,
how I was hurting,
fake life, fake love,
kinda tough balancing.

So she opened my eyes,
to her way of life,
where every second is last,
and everyday, a surprise.

She must be fallen,
because she was wicked,
always an ulterior motive,
still wonder what she craved.

An angel though,
she was sent by thee,
God for a greater purpose,
or did she fall for me?

She restored my prime,
showed me option,
how great I can be,
If I can restrain.

I was happiest,
in all my living,
and I did not understand,
another darkness was seeping in,

her smile, her face, her presence,
was radiant as sunlight,
I followed her afterglow,
not knowing I was an addict.

Even all seemed less,
that's when I told that I loved,
She spread her wings softly,
said I can but she cant be trussed.

Did not heed her love,
Inner monster surfaced,
filled with disappointment and rage,
wanted to cage her but she escaped.

Beyond my darkness, to her new abode,
leaving her light behind for me to hold
onto her thought and how she would imagine,
me being me, a new persona, behold.

Now it seems it was meant to be,
for my higher purpose I should be undone,
and take form again to rise even higher,
but still I feel a void in me.

how can I achieve that eternal bliss,
which is beyond right and wrong truly,
If she is not there,
Nature's manifestation of beauty.

a beauty which exists in sanctity
of pure heart, wild love, warm camaraderie,
and all that I want to leave beneath,
only to find it in a single entity.

Maybe I am too far from my goal,
yet many milestones to see,
maybe she will be on the other end,
maybe she too, will be waiting for me.

3 A.M.

I don't know why this comes up 3 AM,
what is the source of of this cerebral mayhem,
I make believe this is my appetence for bad,
A pretense I think, this self concept I have.

If I take you back there,
where this star gone cold,
a black hole, now here,
has this anecdote untold,

will you try to comprehend my percepts,
or will you judge me by logic of the wise.
will you open to feel the pain,
or will try to be nice?

Nevermind, this helps, when I rub it in words,
I share my darkness for selfish reason,
I take your oxygen, space and time,
while we share my cell in this mental prison.

But once there was sun shine bright,
a lad who was one with its light,
but they made him believe it aint appreciated,
so essential to life, so abundant, hence unheeded.

Year on year, he created his "dark him",
unreal it seems, how this creep-ed to brim,
and sploshed when turf changed with a shake,
he took new name, game, accent and make.

He had a past which never existed,
which did, had no reason to anyway,
He had a present, a dream come true,
Life of lie, high pace and forward sway.

It was exuberant and racy till he stopped to think,
It was a nonchalant halt but alas a chink,
and his mirrors came down crashing to floor,
you can change roles but can you change who you are?

that's when his conscience came to bite,
a vacuum which pulled him to that right
place where he made first wrong decision,
it was middle of his milky way where he saw the ensuing pattern

Of past and future and how he effed yet again,
but how was this possible? he knew, he was a new man,
pondering over this, he drank and cried,
holding on to his true lies, he wished he died.

he died indeed, must've been a long slumber,
I woke up hazy, after noon sky, me under,
while I got up, I dusted, I felt ground shake,
it cracked open, took me to this new place.

Here I know no one, no one knows me,'
so old me can be one with new me and I can be same old me,
still picking up pieces, seeking to know my true self,
and I share it with you because I am sure it helps.

A subtle confession or a moment of weakness,
I am open to your judging, know nonetheless,
one can tell many but can't feel a lie,
that urge is dead but emotion wont die.

Shades of Grey: Relapse

Shades of Grey: Relapse: when you left, you left something behind of you or maybe it was mine all the time; a composite of love, guilt and and self loathing but it...

Relapse

when you left, you left something behind
of you or maybe it was mine all the time;
a composite of love, guilt and and self loathing but it is fine;
I live with this undying urge that binds

me to your existence but now the times have changed;
I don't think of you always, all days;
but it happens this night when moon light plays
with wind, strikes me, takes me to time we had;

I become an objective observer of me in past,
holding on to something I knew wont last;
It was a mirage that only i could see,
mostly because i wished it to be

real in my creepy universe where I was the lucky guy,
and it disgusts me to see the 12th grade pass by;
all over again and I trip, broke inside and making a happy face,
lessons learned in teenage, down the drain, me along, such disgrace

to that code, tear coated, my heavenly connect,
helped me always, my intelligence quotient;
and I am pulled into this black hole inside me,
my new universe where my inside consume the outside of me;

I choke, lungs struggle for air, throat dry,
in absolute reality its my sub-conscious try,
to black out the memories, to wish the pain away,
some inner monster feels only physical pain, a way.

Every day a happy day, few nights yours,
but it inspire only self pity, an emotion so pure
they say makes me destroy a bit of it in me this night
the you in me, my nervous system, lessened a bit this night.