Questions

not always I fantasize of her,
oh it takes too much to touch her,
getting drunk till I cant feel my feet,
willingly surrender to this defeat,
I have been accused of this before,
as she said I was trying to feel her,
now it makes sense how it all happened,
rejected me would go to this end,
can you really say whats in my head,
is it me and you on a bed?
or maybe a broken shell of man,
holding on to his champion,
for a relief which world wont offer,
so much sealed in this coffer,
I still get drunk and think of you,
in these hallucinations I am holding you,
but how dare you doubt my intent,
didnt I prove myself better than this revilement?
what did you think when I sat all night long,
trying to protect your slumber from clang,
and commotion of bitter rail roads,
and this sleepless night goads,
was all that I was, earned shit?
yea there was a time I did opposite,
of what you expected but you did too,
you left my side in that group of spoof,
who pretended to be allies but nonetheless,
bit your back at best of their prowess,
was it not me who stayed by your side,
protected your honour to that chide,
and this is the tribute you give to me,
I have to feel guilty of this memory,
when I held you in drunken rage,
vying for judging on this cerebral stage,
I proceed with my life bearing this abomination,
you hold me shamed of this violation.

You know best

too much on my heart right now,
you say move on but dont tell how,
when I say this dont take me wrongly,
how to let go which I held so strongly,
since such a long time so well spent,
although our good memories have few dent,
nonetheless best time of my life,
never wished to end in pointless strife,
of you I just kept one view,
in world exists one like me too,
and in time of need you always come through,
like you were designed to see me through,
and I percieved you as best in women,
but had one of my own so maintained a distance,
but dysfunctional love put such huge pressure,
I got addicted to your comforting nature,
those were times when you were only escape,
rest all in life seemed in such bad shape,
my assailable heart fell for it gradually,
let go of rational and thrive on fantasy,
but we have to wake up from every dream,
unplugged from matrix not ready for ream,
a pampered child who lost his blanket,
that phase of life was such a racket,
months of gloom I missed you dearly,
but new sun dawned and I could see more clearly,
and you were still there holding on to hope,
maybe we can salvage some of this burnt crop,
you still saw the best in me,
infused me with your magical glee,
you showed me how we were so special,
and anything more would've burst this bubble,
and I cried in shame for I could not see,
you've been someone I could never be,
now I cant differ between the sun and you,
fill me with light through and through,
but nights like these I still miss you bad,
scared of relapse whenever I am sad,
guess that is me just being paranoid,
so far away yet by my side,
I feel you and on your shoulder I will rest,
beaten to dirt I'll stand at your behest.
In you I believe for you know best.

Paradox

Maybe my wit has lost its spark,
Sometimes you too seem dull and dark,
It hurts still but not like it used to,
Rubbed in words, feelings and pain too.

Moment this thought comes to me,
A panic strikes and I want to be,
in same old dungeons of gloom and grief,
In trauma of lost love, I find peace.

As if that defines my existence,
Without it I hold no relevance,
In my design, my own universe,
Through this sadness,you & I persevere.

When slowly it drifts away,
My heart lightens, resolution sway,
I shuffle our old picture archives,
Found one where our shadows lie.

And it made some deeper sense,
For those shadows were dark and dense,
But exuded such palpable bliss,
No face or place, just darkness ravish.

Thats when ways of time seemed fair,
We stay together but like shadows in layers,
of past only and pile up new ones,
To preserve the sanctity of my retentions...

Of you, Its most precious to me,
I cant allow sadness to consume me,
Atleast never in your context,
Because you always give, that I respect.

Still I hold on to this desire,
to board a rocketship and fire,
out of this earth with light speed,
Circle the earth, if I succeed.

To go back in time, relive those moments,
Your first sight, song, laugh and tears,
My awe, elation, happiness and fears,
I truly believe, I am clairvoyant.

See how you give me this will to fight,
Your aura so positive, mesmerizing light,
I will prevail and we will outlast,
Sinners have future like saints have past.

Moonlight

In times like such when he gazes at moon,
And reflect between night and noon,
He feels inside a rancor,
Another day calls for encore.


Darkest desires fill him deep,
His only need, what monster seeks,
In phantasmagoria, his concience knocks,
Guilty him, in shadow he walks.


For only in balmy light of moon,
He can see his natural boon,
And how is designed different,
To achieve goals, myriad and aberrant.


But this divide keeps getting stronger,
He fights to restrain it longer,
No respite when monster takes over,
You are to blame for this cross over.


He will kill for sure,
He will kill you too,
All throats that will be slit,
the blood is on you.


For once a simple soul,
Got mutated with pain,
His heart rancid and foul,
A diabolical, a bane.


He wonders how you bear this,
You played him out of his saneness,
For such trivial gains, he cries,
Monster is born the moment he dies.


Your ostentatious eudemonia drives him crazy,
His loneliness, so dark and hazy,
He hates you, he is alcohol abused,
Pushed him aside, as easy as you used.


Remember these sins are not forgotten,
They will suck your life, render it rotten,
Every time the monster kills,
In your name, ill will bills.


This wickedness will consume your joys,
Lesson learnt, human aint toys,
Alone and aged, your only atonement,
Be one with him, an eternal punishment.


I wish he gets dragged out of pit,
I pray for your sake as I sit,
and gaze at moon trying to ignore his suffering,
but be very afraid, he is untrusting.

Special Friend

It is only after I am intoxicated,
My mind gives me hopes fabricated,
I am back to the world we left behind,
A lost love, a memory thine.

Believe me, the iniquitous me,
walks the earth, focussed and free,
of emotions pertaining to humankind,
but my human exists, to you its bind.

I thought the monster will take over,
and this fragile self will dissipate,
and though my best did handover,
myself to darkness, you did not abate.

me 22 kept listening to 23,
23 came and passed, nothing changed in me,
still living in regrets, still wanting you.
no love found since then, guess it left with you.

So I am in and out of love, altogether,
can only love you but you are lost forever,
hence I can give none what I dont have,
and need none, save what lust craves.

you liked my monster you perfected it too,
took my human along, filled wicked you,
but that you in me keeps me up at nights,
make me say, different ways, I miss you.

Few of you is one of my darkest,
but most of of you is most of my warmest,
so how do you expect I can move on,
when I am too sure I can find better none.

Can you still feel it like old times,
You and I think of each other same time,
but you would restrain and I would call,
and you loose it too, talk it out all.

See this I am drifting again,
back to the old memory lane,
my monster tells me it was lie and fake,
my human weeps, you in me at stake.

This eternal debate will never end,
till I find you again and comprehend,
the design of fate, you godsend
although lost, my forever friend.

Old time's sake

It's been a decade and a hundred times,
when I see this movie, revel in rhymes,
a childish whim, or a sadness personal,
the movie is high school musical.

It can be so that I like the song,
but If I am so simple, you got me wrong,
I read between lines, see my self in role,
baggage of old times takes its toll.

For highschool as I imagine, it never was,
A wannabe cool kid, always  at loss
to figure out how to stand out,
and doubt always squeezed hope out.

He gave up easily, lacked all passion,
one counted amongst top, at bottom of his division,
his play lacked all style or fizz,
why this metamorphosis, one big quiz.

It lingers till today as heap of regret,
why cupid struck at such wrong moment,
for loss in love is like no other,
It was just you, others did'nt matter.

Neither social milieu nor ramification,
could deter him from having this odd imagination,
So when he gave up on her, he learnt it best,
It was then, when he gave up on rest.

It was the start of chain reaction,
that led to this sad situation,
this weight of cowardice kept him depressed,
always ruing, he should have expressed.

Till date this darkness creeps within
hence I take a movie and let me in,
with a melancholy desire to go back to past,
and it elates me enough to make me last.

And I battle my monster, a perpetual joust,
that time is gone but not all time is lost,
I can chase my dreams, make amends,
for things i gave up on, a happy end.

It just might be any other movie I like,
or a clutch of old memories on me tight,
or maybe a muse to design my future life,
concept so simple yet a cerebral strife.

Forever

I can't recall when I turned monster,
Maybe it was when I lost her,
or maybe it is something I foster,
to project myself as darker another.

Reason are myriad, one stands out,
This scheme was to push pain out,
My cerebrum designed, no doubt!
that it consumed me, I know nothing about.

Still humanity lingers like fear of god,
It strongly manifests in manners odd,
Juvenile memories, lost love, paint a picture flawed,
and I gaze in this oblivion as my tears dropped.

Yet again I feel human again,
At this wondrous site, my darkness wanes,
This cot, table, window panes,
Old memories flush me, happiness remains.

Outside this bliss, lies a cut-throat world,
Where I am fake, a politician, opportunist and nerd,
From this calm abode, it seems a debauchery,
but I will leave in time to be one of the party.

So I take this time to lay back and cherish,
In my loved ones company, I relish
my bed, my blanket, my mothers feast,
as pleasant like winter afternoon's heat.

As I let go all motives and all fear,
This serene peace lingers near
my heart and my brains are clear,
I see true goal, I will persevere.

I believe this journey we make on earth,
Purpose is not power, fame, wealth,
or any other agenda stealth,
Only satisfaction in heart, true love, good health.

I feel it flow through my shell,
makes me whole, where my childhood dwell,
My human sparks, begins to foam,
Only at this place, I call home.

And though it grieves me, I will leave tomorrow,
I thrive in darkness, another sorrow,
But I know my monster cannot be me ever,
For again I will come back, my home forever.