Fever dream

Another day in hell,
Another day's survival,
Fear is my driver,
Hope is a poison,
Ambition is a fever dream,
Yet more afraid to count them,
So much to fear.

Late to bed,
Early to rise,
Alcohol in between,
Hate everything besides,
Rejecting this illusion,
Of freedom of choice,
Do I have any choice?
In milieu of malignancy,
When fear starts to take over,
If my phone starts ringing early,
In morning.

How much money,
Is enough money?
I have been dreaming,
Of indulgent living,
In those dreams too,
I am counting money,
And then dreams turns to nightmare,
I don't have enough money,
To buy out life and death.

Staring through spectacle of despair,
Into the mirror of life,
If don't like what I see,
Am I at fault or mirror?